DR CHOPPER (2005)

This one was another chance find in the bargain bin... It follows the exploits of a doctor and his two nurses who on the quest for a prolonged life start to kill patients to replace their own body parts. They flee and are not heard of again for another 20 years when a group of teenagers unwittingly go out for a weekend away in a family members cabin. Of course Dr. Chopper and his two (presumably undead) nurses start to hunt down the bunch.

This movie is firmly rooted in the B grade genre, its a simple old teenage slasher story with nothing to differentiate it from a million other B Grade films just like it. No actors I'd ever heard were cast in this film, having said all that its actually not that bad either, the acting is halfway reasonable, but really its more a great one to watch on those days when you just don't feel like thinking. Its reasonably well shot and moves along at a reasonable pace so you don't feel too retarded watching it either.

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WOLF COP (2014)

I really didn't expect too much from a movie called "Wolf Cop" it basically looked like "Teen Wolf" but as a cop...…. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I have to say this still falls into the B Grade category but it was rather entertaining and the film itself was reasonably well done... It certainly didn't feel like the insult to intelligence that some films can fall into

The film follows the exploits of country town cop/sheriff Lou, who is drinking too much and it's starting to affect his work as an officer. Rumours of an occult group operating in the area and stealking / killing pets  are starting to surface and Lou of course has to investigate. Some strange mysterious occult incident occurs, a local politicial is killed    and Lou starts to grow hair in places he was / wasn't growing hair before and yes you guessed starts taking on wolf like qualities

As is to be expected with Lou's nighttime transformations, the body count starts to rise, and Lou (and the other police) find themselves in the predicament of investigating the killings without realizing it was Lou as a werewolf. Lou comes to the realization he is indeed the wolf and decides to become Wolf Cop and fight crime as a superhumanly strong wolf.

Anyway the plot moves fast enough to keep it interesting, some genuinely funny moments, some cool plot twists, an erotic interspecies love scene and some really cool horror effects, so there something for everyone! There's  not a lot to really complain at all so what you are left with is a pretty cool horror movie!

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DEATHSTALKER (1984)

Hmmm.... not sure what to say about this one, it had the potential to be good, not great but at least decent as a B grade, but some shitty editing in the fight scenes and the general cheesy-ness in the ending for me has dropped it back to "D" grade. I've since found out this film was directed by none other than ROGER CORMAN who was responsible for a literal tidal wave of crap films that came out in the 80's (and possibly late 70's) which would explain a lot.

 As a fantasy film, It's a bit thin on the plot, but at the time of release there probably wasn't much to compete with with the exception of "Conan the Barbarian" which would have blown it out of the water in terms of both plot and direction and choreography, so basically just go watch that instead.

Plot wise it revolves around some quest or something to find an amulet, ring and something else, possibly a sword. There's witches and ogres and dwarf like things, some hot barbarian babes get naked, not long into the film the focus seems to switch to a warrior tournament held the king Munkar, of a nearby town who holds a couple of the items Deathstaler is questing for. I have to say it felt kind of disjointed in parts, but somehow I doubt that anyone who lasted more than 20 minutes into the movie really cares that much anyway.

Still if you have nothing better to do, it will kill an hour and a half of your life and there's some nice looking females to keep you half interested and some laughs from the corny special effects and half baked sword play.  Like I said before,  a little more time, thought and money into this film and it could have been a solid "B" grade watch. 

Again I have found it on you tube for you guys !!!

Vampyres (1974)

As a vampire film this doesn't particularly stand out.... There are many better than this one. As pornography it doesn't really stand out either.......... but when you mix soft porn and vampires into one film you have a formula for success that is hard to beat.

In all seriousness this barely even qualifies as soft porn,  its a rather thin plot that revolves around  couple of rather attractive lesbian vampires that lure men into their web/home and proceed to suck out their souls. I get the horror involved but unfortunately part of me (well one part in particular) feels a little jealous of these guys........ What a way to die! PICK ME NEXT!!!

Some rather attractive babes from the 70s star in this one from a time when girls on film had natural knockers and pubic hair, It kind of has that Hammer film vibe but also that Roger Myers exploitational vibe as well......... It's well shot ... But with all those giant natural knockers from the 70's floating around its kind of hard to focus, so maybe it wasn't ...........  who knows really

Basically if you're male (or female) fan of boobs and vampires this is pretty cool, just don't expect to come out any smarter for having watched it.

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Also its on Youtube! so check it out below!

HOUSE OF THE DEAD

Hmmm........ don't know what to say about this one.... I was a fan of the video game back in the 90's/2000's and logic would suggest that the plot would have all been laid out nice and neatly for this to become a solid B grade gore flick ... The potential for lots of gore, zombies, guns and well a creepy old house.

Not so it seems. Not only did to fail to hit the B Grade mark, in my books this is a solid contender for one of the worst films of all time. Medicore plot and crappy acting from the start turned me off this one. when the action finally did happen a lot of the zombie shots looked really rubber and fake. Lets just say the graphics in the game that preceeded it by 10 years looked better.

The movie itself.... well the frequent boob shots couldn't even keep me awake to see the end of this flick.

*It would appear that I'm not the only one that felt this movie was a stinker, so epic it could clog your toilet... It turns out the director has gone back and edited the movie again and taken the piss out of himself and well... even though the funny version is still sub par as a movie, it is far superior to this one..."

Anyway if you want to check out the funny version feel free to look it up here

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Fail.

PIRANHA 3DD (2011)

Lets get one thing out of the way first, this is strictly a B grade schlocky no brainer of a movie, it's not a stinker.... but it ain't no thinker either!  If you can get past that and killer fish, and giant titties are your thing ... then you're in for a treat!

Basically the plot revolves around some guy who re-opens a shut down water park that had previously fallen victim to a piranha attack. Of course the fish come back and start devouring the patrons of the park. Simple enough plot, simple enough that you can drink beer with your friends get sidetracked on a conversation and duck back into the movie like nothing happened at all without missing any key plot details its that simple.

The fish look awesome and the action and gore is really good. As simple as the plot is, its actually quite entertaining and lots of blood and guts and smaller guest appearance roles from Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future) reprising his role as a crazy science type dude, and the Hoff (Baywatch) as a Celebrity lifeguard (who can't save anyone for shit) and a host of beautiful women who have no problems whatsoever in showing off their bountiful breasts at every given opportunity the lightweight plot allows for, actually make for a decent watch.

If you're too tired from work, or too hungover to think, or just need some background noise and visuals this is the movie for you. A guilty pleasure for the brain dead horror fan in all of us. I was surprised I liked it as much as I did, but really there's not much point dwelling into it much deeper than this because that's really all their is to this movie.

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GRUESOME / SALVAGE (2006)

Hmmm? Luck was not on my side at the flea market today when I bought this one. Initially attracted to the cover and the title of "Gruesome" I held high hopes for a splatter fest of epic proportions... I had a friend over on first attempt to watch it and I have to say it was pretty painful and didn't seem to go anywhere, until he requested I turn it off after which it almost went into the bin. We decided to  watch reality TV cooking shows instead........ :/ not a good sign.

One good thing about the film is that the main starlet is fairly cute in that 'girl next door' kind of way (she reminds me of Marcia from the Brady Bunch a bit) . It was in fact the only thing that kept us watching as long as we did. The film appears to be about a girl who is experiencing lucid nightmares about a guy who is trying to kill her, and in the dreams he manages to catch her again and again as she relives her own horrifying death. The premise of the movie is pretty cool actually and has some definite potential but I have to say it is poorly executed.

On subsequent research the next day it seems that the movie had been getting half decent (but far from good) reviews in some of the other online sources such as wikipedia and imdb (where it is also known as "Salvage") so i decided to give it another shot and see how it went...... for what is worth I do see some small amount of  merit in it, especially since finding out the whole movie only cost $25000 to produce, but sadly on second viewing I fell asleep and woke up in time to see the ending and it just didn't do it for me.

I won't be trying for a third time. Recommended only for those who are bored out of their skulls basically best left as a last resort

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BLACULA (1972)

I didn't go into this one with any great expectations as I'd read about the film being a "blacksploitation" peice of B grade crap........ But I have to say I was pleasantly surprised, not to say that it's a classic, because it definitely isn't, but it is a rather watchable movie and in my humble opinion is worth the time taken to watch it.

The plot focuses in on Mumawale (spelling?) an African prince who travels into Europe with his wife to meet up with Count Dracula to try and convince him to stop the slave trade he his involved in. Dracula does not see any reason to give up his slaves or pay them and the meeting degenerates into a brawl and the Count subsequently turns Mumawale into a vampire while his wife is imprisoned and eventually dies, while Mumawale spends the next 200 years in an undead slumber.

As fate would have it the coffin that housed Mumwale's body is purchased by a couple of american antique hunters and shipped to america (well the 1970's America) where he awakens to find new victims, and persues a young lady who he believes is the re-incarnation of his dead wife from 200 years ago.

Like I said the movie is quite watchable with a low level of horror so pretty much anyone can watch it.... and some very funky 70's style wardrobe which do add to the eye-candy aspect of the film and special attention must be given to the great facial hair that Mumawale grows when the blood lust takes him..... I dare say Samuel Jackson took a leaf out of his book in "Pulp Fiction".

Overall a great spin off on the Dracula Legend and an enjoyable watch

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THE TOXIC AVENGER

One of the stupidest movies of all time produced by the guys at Troma Films. who are renowned for producing B grade crap of the highest order. This one is so crappy it actually becomes quite funny in a "Cant take my eyes off the car crash" type of way.

The plot follows the exploits of halpless nerd Melvin who just can't seem to catch a break, he works a crappy job cleaning at the local gym and is the brunt of all jokes until one day a prank goes too far and Melvin is humiliated beyond all belief and dives out the window into a conveniently placed vat of toxic waste and is transformed into the Toxic Avenger ... A mutant hero of superhuman strength and subhuman intelligence, who goes about fighting crime in his own unique but violent and hilarious way.

As you can no doubt guess this is nothing to be taken too seriously, it's kitchy as all hell and much of the violence (whilst earning it an R rating in Australia) is cartoon-ish in nature, many of the sight gags are pretty much lifted out of Saturday morning cartoons but infused with high level blood and guts. In fact that's how I'd describe the Toxic Avenger, as an ultra violent cartoon shot on film, complete with goofy sound effects and cheesy dialogue / accents.

Overall I think it's definately worth watching once, its a good laugh if you can get past the cheesiness of it all, and I quite enjoyed the film back int he 90's when I first saw it and this time when re-watching it I have to admit it was a pretty fun watch for a run through 20 + years later. Mindless, retarded fun.

Anyway I've included the video link from Youtube below for your viewing pleasure

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MANIAC COP (1988)

Sitting somewhere between action and horror this slice of B grade action is not a bad little watch. A large rogue cop is running around killing random citizens on the streets and basically nobody can figure out who it is.

Starring Bruce Campbell as Jack, a police officer whose marriage is on the rocks, and his wife busts him in bed with another woman and then shows up dead as well... and of course Jack gets nicked for the murders, (to be fair the circumstances did point to him) until of course the killer keeps killing.

On first contact with the killer it appears that the killer maybe something more than human after withstanding a police gunfire attack. Further research points towards a violent ex police officer named "Cordell" who was previously assumed dead, after he was thrown into prison.

Style wise its another 80's action flick and obviously shot on a budget but its pretty well done and keeps the viewer interested while not an all time classic its pretty solid watch and has become something of a cult classic amongst the B grade set


Heres a copy of the film on youtube, it looks to be ripped straight from VHS too for that authentic feel!

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ALIEN APOCALYPSE (2005)

One of horror legend Bruce Campbell's lesser known works. Its a Sci-Fi film firmly rooted in the B Grade Category. It isn't a bad film perse but can't tell if it was serious attempt at science fiction or a parody of the old alien films. (as the aliens look really cheap and fake)

The film centres around a small team of astronauts led by Dr. Hood (Campbell) who were sent on a 40 year space probe mission and on their return to Earth find the planet taken over by insect like aliens. Again It's not that bad a movie ... actually it's quite watchable.... But it makes me wonder why Bruce Campbell agreed to be in the film as I'm sure he could have been doing better things. Even though he did seem to vanish for a while after Evil Dead 3.

Anyway, back to the film... after landing back on Earth the team find themselves promptly captured by the alien overlords that have since taken over Earth to harvest the planet for its wood, to send back their own planet (its apparantly rare on their planet to get wood) . Hood and one of his team manage to escape the alien labour camp and flee to the hills where they meet a few of the last remaining free humans and hatch a plan to free Earth from the space insects.

While its far from being a masterpiece, aside from a few dumb moments it's actually quite watchable and the violence / gore factor is pretty low, so you can watch it with children who are partial to a bit of low level horror

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DIARY OF A CANNIBAL (2006)

I have to say this is a pretty 'out there' concept for a film. It centres around a young couple that meet on the internet and fall in love. The male in the relationship obviously has some deep psychological issues and need for love (probably attributable to his mother) and Noelle the female still isn't right after the death of her father in her childhood, so I guess between the two of them and their mental malfunctions, the pair make a well matched couple.  At some point he asks his new found lady love to kill him and eat him. She of course refuses but later reconsiders and agrees to his request.

This film starts out a little slow with a series of flash backs with a badly injured Noelle being interrogated by the police about the grizzly death. And works backwards from there. It's a novel way to tell a tale I guess, but honestly it gets a bit boring and confusing not long into the movie. A lot of random footage and blurry flash back vision make this rather painful to watch. It watches kind of like a dream sequence / home made snuff film, maybe that was the intent? I'm not really sure. Plot wise its a little thin, and I've more or less disclosed the whole story anyway

I will go as far as to say it doesn't seem to follow any logical sequence at all, and many of the sequences are repeated..... maybe it is intended to be watched on drugs? If someone reading this wants to get really wasted and watch this one and report back to me if makes more sense on mind altering substances I'd like some feedback on that. I'm not sure what the director of this was aiming for but for me it fell short of the mark, well short, which is  a shame because it is a fairly morbid concept behind the film and I think had it been done a little better could have been something quite...  well not excellent, but at least a lot more captivating.

Overall it doesn't suck too bad, but the movie itself is a tale of squandered potential.....

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TERROR FIRMER (1999)

For some reason known only to myself, I decided to pick this as the my horror flick for the week :/

Troma films have a habit of being painfully shite. Luckily I found this one at flea market (as there's no way I'd pay full price for anything Troma release)

This one takes place on the set of a horror flick, while a serial killer picks off characters one by one. Beyond that, there doesn't seem to be any real plot to this story it does provide a few cheap laughs, cool gore scenes, and gratituous nudity so at least its not a total waste of time.  The best way to approach these films is not to think too hard about these things, turn off the brain and sit back and enjoy the brain dead horror fest that follows in the retarded footsteps of many Troma films before it. As an added bonus Troma co-founder Larry Kauffman plays a blind film director (which judging by their past efforts may explain a few things) and adds a cool feeling that they can take the piss out of themselves. There's some cool cameos in this too (most notably "Lemmy" from Motorhead) but really nothing will save this film or lift it out of the gutter in which it dwells.

Watch it once if you're bored shitless for some reason, or you're too hungover to think .... I can't see myself watching this one again to be honest but it wasn't a total waste of time.

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BLOOD DINER (1987)

This is a rather hard to find little gem straight from the 80's. Rooted firmly in the B-Grade Schlock horror it is some regards so bad it is actually good. Not sure if watching for the movie or the schlockiness of the whole affair but either way its fun! Big hair bad acting and cheesy dialoge complete the trinity of 80's cheesyness.

The plot  follows the exploits of 2 brothers, George and Michael (that just sounds 80's from the start)  whose uncle, Anwar was killed by police in a shoot out 30 years earlier. They stay true to their uncles last request and after studying the occult they set about ressurrecting the goddess "Shitar". To do this they did up the remains of their dead uncle and through some magical incantation they bring his brain back to life and store it in a jar where he advises the pair on the finer art killing 'immoral' women, and harvesting their body parts for the purpose of constructing a composite body for the returning goddess, and then holding an ancient feast to welcome the goddess back into this world.

Lots of tongue in cheek gore and blood... but its hard to take seriously with the hammy-ness of the acting and dialogue. Is this a horror comedy or is it so bad it becomes one by default? I can't tell but if you can turn your brain off for a couple of hours it is worth a watch!

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LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (2009)

As the title suggests this is probably not a movie to be taken too seriously. It is however a lot better than the name would suggest.

The plot focuses on Jimmy who is getting treated like dirt by his on again off again girlfriend and Fletch who looses his job. The both decide to go on a holiday and forget about their real world woes in country side England. Luckily the pair manage to meet up with a van load of incredibly hot (swedish... I think) female tourists. At this point I'm not sure exactly how the Lesbian Vampirism comes into it (its either an old curse or a cursed town... or maybe they just hang around the nearby forest) but really, who cares... As the girls are distractingly hot.... but one by one they get attacked by vampires and its up to to our two hero's to save the day... Of course it is.

Over all its a lot of fun and quite well shot and is a lot easier to watch than other B grade films (like most Troma films for example)  and with plenty of scantily clad females, this one cruise along just nicely. Again its not a thinker but if you can turn your brain off for an hour and a half this is quite enjoyable and few good laughs thrown in. Not too heavy on the gore factor but a good one to watch while having a few beers with your mates

To be fair to this film, I might come back and watch it a second time... and see if it has anything more to offer but i have a sneaking feeling its really just a light-hearted British comedy.

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The Call Girl of Cthulu (2015)

The Call Girl of Cthulu

Obviously this is not something to be taken too seriously. Probably best enjoyed with either a few drinks or the day after a big night when you don't have the mental capacity to watch anything more involved. It's also obviously an indy film and probably done on a shoe string budget. As far as films go its not too bad at all and an enjoyable watch... it follows the trials and tribulations of a young artist, Carter, looking to loose his virginity to a special woman. It just so happens the young lady he falls in love with is not only a hooker but also bears an ancient birth mark, identifying her as the chosen concubine of the ancient deity Cthulu (from HP Lovecrafts works) From there on in Carter has to win the girl and save her from an ancient order of Chtulu Cultists who obviously have other plans for her.

Like I said, don't read too much into it... just turn your brain off and enjoy. As much as I've said this movie is not a "thinker" its not a "stinker" either, it still doesn't insult the intelligence in the way that some (Troma type)  films tend to do. As far as the gore and horror content there's some pretty cool SFX and gore scenes to keep the gore-fiends happy, and a decent level of "perv factor" for those who are looking for a bit of "T and A" as a side for their horror needs. These guys are showing some great potential to keep making more movies and I'll genuinely keep an "eye out" for more of their films in the future

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